walking contradictions

so foul and fair a day I have not seen

For so much time I thought
that I wanted this all again.
It had been so long, I do not know
if that was why I had romanticized it–
Funny, isn’t it? Romanticizing romance?–
but alas. The faults of fools are but folly.  
I thought on this for so long, I wrote about it.
I wanted to be loved. 

So when I receive the rush, why
do I want to run away?
I thought my world to be unraveling 
without it, but with it I am not longer sure
if anything is real. 
I feel untied, floating sickeningly
in a void of gray matter.
I fear the only things that can bring me 
back to reality (is this reality?)
are the worst options I have. 

I do not believe I was made 
to receive love.
After yearning for it–
thinking it something beautiful–
why does it make me feel 
so unholy and unclean?
I would tear off my skin if 
I was sure I was real, I would willingly
be crucified just to have a tether
to the world that is spinning away from me.

Methought I heard a voice cry, 
‘Sleep no more!’
I got what I thought I wanted, so
why do I feel so hollow?
Is such a thing as living in the moment
even possible? Are all poets liars?
Am I a liar? Can I speak the truth,
when I no longer am in control?
I thought I was in love 
with someone else, but now
I have no say in the matter. 

I suppose I must listen
to the Fates. Otherwise I fear
they will curse me worse 
than I have been. 
Who knew a kiss could ruin a man?
I mistook a poison for its cure.